PantherModerns

COUNTRY CEMETERY

admin — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 03:34:21 +0000

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a
grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.
The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and
this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost;
and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an
hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the
hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault
lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for
long, but this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say “Amen,”
“Praise the Lord,” and “Glory”! I preached, and I preached,
like I’d never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.
I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of
the workers saying to another, “I ain’t never seen anything like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Watch what you say

admin — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 01:05:43 +0000

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and says hello. He’s rather taken aback, because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?”

To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???”

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, “No, I’m your son’s math teacher.”

Top 20 Replies by Programmers when their programs do not work

admin — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 05:58:00 +0000

20. “That’s weird…”
19. “It’s never done that before.”
18. “It worked yesterday.”
17. “How is that possible?”
16. “It must be a hardware problem.”
15. “What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?”
14. “There is something funky in your data.”
13. “I haven’t touched that module in weeks!”
12. “You must have the wrong version.”
11. “It’s just some unlucky coincidence.”
10. “I can’t test everything!”
9. “THIS can’t be the source of THAT.”
8. “It works, but it hasn’t been tested.”
7. “Somebody must have changed my code.”
6. “Did you check for a virus on your system?”
5. “Even though it doesn’t work, how does it feel?”
4. “You can’t use that version on your system.”
3. “Why do you want to do it that way?”
2. “Where were you when the program blew up?”

And the Number One Reply by Programmers when their programs don’t work:
1. “It works on my machine.”

Wrong Number

admin — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 05:54:03 +0000

It was another boring Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television (in the hopes that I would be entertained) when the phone rang.

“Hello?”

A girl’s voice came over the line.

“Can I speak to Ben, please?”

I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number. Of course, it was also a dull evening, even for Indiana.

“I’m sorry, he’s not in right now. Can I take a message?”

“Do you know what time he’ll be back?” she responded.

“I think he said he’d be home around 10:00.”

Silence on the other end…a confused silence. I had a live one.

“Is this Steve?”

My name isn’t Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.

“Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?”

“Well…he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him…” she said in a slightly irritated voice.

I must have sounded a lot more like Steve than I had thought.

I replied, “Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00.”

A shocked voice now: “Who’s Karen?!”

“The girl he went out with.” (I’ve seen Fletch several times).

“I know that! I mean….who is she?” (She must have seen Fletch, too….Or is that Fletch Too? Whatever..)

“I don’t know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?”

“Yes…please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home.”

She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. Now would be a good time to call an end to the charade.

“I sure will. Is this Jennifer?”

She exploded this time. “WHO’S JENNIFER?!”

Apparently she wasn’t.

“Well…he’s going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry…it was an honest mistake.”

“Ben’s the one that’s made the mistake! Tell him that ALICE called him and that she’s VERY UPSET and that I would LIKE HIM to CALL ME as SOON AS HE GETS HOME.”

I smiled and said, “Okay, I will…but Becky isn’t going to like this…”

“BECKY?!?!?”

“*click*”

A Clever Couple

admin — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 20:22:02 +0000

A couple in their seventies went to a sex therapist’s office in Melbourne..

The doctor asked, ‘What can I do for you?’ The old man said, ‘Will you watch us have sex?’ The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple had finished, the doctor said, ‘There’s nothing wrong with the way you have sex,’ and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally the doctor asked, ‘Just exactly what are you trying to find out?’

The old man said, ‘We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $170. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.

Is Australia great or what?’

Just in case you need more proof that we live in a crazy world

admin — Mon, 26 May 2008 20:23:40 +0000

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female.
Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a
corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(…so they’ll never know they went blind?)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time…
Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let’s just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere
else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband’s lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Now this is justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England -
but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother
must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had
to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending
machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be
dispensed from a vending machine only “in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.”
(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hummm….I won’t touch THAT one!)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30
times its own weight and always falls over on its right
side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of…? Wonder how much the the govt.
paid for this relevant bit of research??)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez)

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don’t have brains.
(I know some people like that, too)

More Facts

admin — Mon, 12 May 2008 03:10:04 +0000

A cough releases an explosive charge of air that moves at speeds up to 60 mph.

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A fetus acquires fingerprints at the age of three months.

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A fingernail or toenail takes about 6 months to grow from base to tip.

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A human being loses an average of 40 to 100 strands of hair a day.

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A person will die from total lack of sleep sooner than from starvation. Death will occur about 10 days without sleep, while starvation takes a few weeks.

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A sneeze can exceed the speed of 100 mph.

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According to German researchers, the risk of heart attack is higher on Monday than any other day of the week.

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According to the Kinsey Institute, the biggest erect penis on record measures 13 inches. The smallest tops off at 1 3/4 inches.

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After spending hours working at a computer display, look at a blank piece of white paper. It will probably appear pink.

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An average human drinks about 16, 000 gallons of water in a lifetime.v

An average human scalp has 100,000 hairs.

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An average person uses the bathroom 6 times per day.

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Babies are born with 300 bones, but by adulthood we have only 206 in our bodies.

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Beards are the fastest growing hairs on the human body. If the average man never trimmed his beard, it would grow to nearly 30 feet long in his lifetime.

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Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people.

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By age sixty, most people have lost half of their taste buds.

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By the time you turn 70, your heart will have beat some two-and-a-half billion times (figuring on an average of 70 beats per minute.)

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Each square inch of human skin consists of twenty feet of blood vessels.

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Every human spent about half an hour as a single cell.

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Every person has a unique tongue print.

Every square inch of the human body has an average of 32 million bacteria on it.

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Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

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Fingernails grow faster than toenails.

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Fingerprints serve a function - they provide traction for the fingers to grasp things.

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Humans shed about 600,000 particles of skin every hour - about 1.5 pounds a year. By 70 years of age, an average person will have lost 105 pounds of skin.

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Humans shed and regrow outer skin cells about every 27 days - almost 1,000 new skins in a lifetime.

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If it were removed from the body, the small intestine would stretch to a length of 22 feet.

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If you are locked in a completely sealed room, you will die of carbon dioxide poisoning first before you will die of oxygen deprivation.

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If you go blind in one eye, you'll only lose about one-fifth of your vision (but all your depth perception.)

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In a lifetime the average US resident eats more than 50 tons of food and drinks more than 13,000 gallons of liquid.

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In the late 19th century, millions of human mummies were used as fuel for locomotives in Egypt where wood and coal was scarce, but mummies were plentiful.

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It takes 17 muscles to smile --- 43 to frown.

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Jaw muscles can provide about 200 pounds of force to bring the back teeth together for chewing.

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Lab tests can detect traces of alcohol in urine six to 12 hours after a person has stopped drinking.

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Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.

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Most men have erections every hour to hour and a half during sleep.

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The ashes of the average cremated person weigh nine pounds.

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The average duration of sexual intercourse for humans is 2 minutes.

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The average human body contains enough: iron to make a 3 inch nail, sulfur to kill all fleas on an average dog, carbon to make 900 pencils, potassium to fire a toy cannon, fat to make 7 bars of soap, phosphorous to make 2,200 match heads, and water to fill a ten-gallon tank.

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The average human produces 25,000 quarts of spit in a lifetime, enough to fill two swimming pools.

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The average person releases nearly a pint of intestinal gas by flatulence every day. Most is due to swallowed air. The rest is from fermentation of undigested food.

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The body's largest internal organ is the small intestine at an average length of 20 feet

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The feet account for one quarter of all the human bodies bones.

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The human body has enough fat to produce 7 bars of soap.

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The human body has over 600 muscles, 40% of the body's weight.

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The human brain is about 85% water.

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The largest cell in the human body is the female ovum, or egg cell. It is about 1/180 inch in diameter. The smallest cell in the human body is the male sperm. It takes about 175,000 sperm cells to weigh as much as a single egg cell.

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The largest human organ is the skin, with a surface area of about 25 square feet.

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The left lung is smaller than the right lung to make room for the heart.

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The little lump of flesh just forward of your ear canal, right next to your temple, is called a tragus.

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The longest muscle in the human body is the sartorius. This narrow muscle of the thigh passes obliquely across the front of the thigh and helps rotate the leg to the position assumed in sitting cross-legged. Its name is a derivation of the adjective "sartorial," a reference to what was the traditional cross-legged position of tailors (or "sartors") at work.

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The most common blood type in the world is Type O. The rarest, Type A-H, has been found in less than a dozen people since the type was discovered.

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The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.

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The only bone in the human body not connected to another is the hyoid, a V-shaped bone located at the base of the tongue between the mandible and the voice box. Its function is to support the tongue and its muscles.

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The permanent teeth that erupt to replace their primary predecessors (baby teeth) are called succedaneous teeth.

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The sound of a snore (up to 69 decibels) can be almost as loud as the noise of a pneumatic drill.

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The tips of fingers and the soles of feet are covered by a thick, tough layer of skin called the stratum corneum.

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There are 45 miles of nerves in the skin of a human being.

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Three-hundred-million cells die in the human body every minute.

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Women burn fat more slowly than men, by a rate of about 50 calories a day.

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Women's hearts beat faster than men's.

Mcdonalds ingredients

admin — Mon, 12 May 2008 03:07:31 +0000

Arch Deluxe™

THE SECRET SAUCE:

1 tablespoon mayonnaise
1/2 teaspoon Grey Poupon Specialty peppercorn mustard

Ingredients:

1 sesame seed hamburger bun (potato roll style with split crown)
1/4 pound Topps beef patty
1 slice American cheese
1-2 tomato slices
1-2 lettuce leaves, chopped
1 Tablespoon ketchup
1 Tablespoon chopped white onion
McDonald's hamburger seasoning

COOKING: 1. In a small bowl, mix together the mayonnaise and the Dijon mustard. Set aside. This is the secret sauce. 2. Toast the face of each of the buns on a griddle as described in all
other recipes.

3. Follow Quarter-Pounder cooking instuctions for the beef patty.

4. Dress your BUN in the following order: On the crown (top bun)

special sauce
ketchup
onions
lettuce
tomato
cheese

5. Add the cooked beef patty then the toasted heel.

Makes 1 Arch Deluxe®

If you want an Arch Deluxe with bacon, pre-cook some thick sliced Hormel® pepper bacon, breaking one slice per burger in half. Lay the halves side by side on top of the cheese before
adding the meat. (Or just use thick sliced bacon, adding a dash of pepper when cooking.)

BIG MAC™ Special Sauce

Ingredients:

1/4 cup KRAFT Miracle Whip
1/4 cup mayonnaise
2 Tablespoons,heaping, WISHBONE deluxe french salad dressing (the orange stuff)
1/2 Tablespoon HEINZ sweet relish
2 teaspooons, heaping, VLASIC dill pickle relish (Heinz dill relish also works)
1 teaspoon sugar
1 teaspoon dried, minced onion
1 teaspoon white vinegar
1 teaspoon ketchup
1/8 teaspoon salt

Mix everything very well in a small container. There better be no streaks! Microwave 25 seconds, and stir well again. Cover, and refrigerate at LEAST 1 hour before using.( to allow all of
the flavors to "meld". ) Makes nearly 1 cup...enough for about 8 Big Macs™.

Cooking your BIG MAC™

INGREDIENTS:

(this is a per sandwich recipe)

1 -regular sized sesame seed bun
1 -regular sized plain bun
2 -previously frozen regular beef patties
2 -tablespoons Big Mac sauce
2 -teaspoons reconstituted onions
1 -slice real American cheese
2 -hamburger pickle slices
1/4 Cup -shredded iceberg lettuce

COOKING:

Discard the crown half of the regular bun, retaining the heel. The cooking method for the Big Mac™ is basically the same as the regular burgers, only the bun toasting method is slightly
different. In the Big Mac's case you toast the bottom (heel) first. Do this along with the extra heel. (this will be your middle bun.)

Cook the two-all-beef-patties just like the regular burgers. After the bun parts are toasted, put 1 tablespoon of "Mac sauce" on each of the heels.(toasted side.) Then add 1/8 cup
shredded lettuce to each.On the true bottom bun, place one thin slice of American cheese on top of the lettuce. On the extra "heel", the middle bun, place two pickle slices on top of the
lettuce. Toast the "crown" (top) of the bun also. When the meat patties are done, place them one at a time on both prepared buns. Stack the middle bun on top of the bottom bun, and put
the crown on top.

For proper "aging", or "Q-ing", ...wrap the finished Big Mac® in a 12"x18" sheet of waxed paper as follows:

1...Center the burger, right side up, on the waxed paper. Fold the "long" ends of the paper up over the top. (It will resemble a tube with the burger in the center.)

2...Fold the two remaining ends underneath. Wrap snug, but don't squish it like the regular burgers.

3...Let sit 5-8 minutes, allowing the flavors to "meld".

4...Microwave, still wrapped, 15 seconds on high.

....Enjoy an AWESOME Big Mac® Sandwich!

Big X-Tra®

INGREDIENTS:

1 large sesame seed bun (4 3/4-inch diameter)
1/3 pound ground chuck
Lawry's® seasoned salt
McDonald's hamburger seasoning
1 Tablespoon ketchup
1 Tablespoon mayonnaise
1 Tablespoon chopped white onion
3 HEINZ™ Genuine dill slices
1/2 cup chopped iceberg lettuce
1 large tomato slice, or two small ones

COOKING your BIG X-TRA™:

1. Form the ground chuck into a large, thin patty on wax paper. Make it approximately 5 1/2 to 6 inches in diameter. Freeze this patty for a couple hours before cooking. (You may consider
making some in advance, freezing for future use.)

2. Toast the faces of the hamburger bun as directed in the Quarter Pounder recipe.

3. Grill the frozen patty on a 400 degree griddle for 2-3 minutes per side. Sprinkle one side with seasoned salt and the other side with McDonald's hamburger seasoning. (recipe is located
under Regular Hamburgers plus special instructions.)

4. Dress the crown (top bun) in the following order:

ketchup
mayonnaise
onion
pickle
lettuce
tomato
*cheese (optional)

5. Add the cooked patty then the toasted heel (bottom bun)

6. Wrap the Big X-TRA™ in a 12"x16" sheet of wax paper, let sit 3 minutes, then microwave on high for 10 seconds. Serve.

Makes 1 Big X-tra®.

| Back to the McMenu |

Breakfast Burritos

4 ounces Jimmy Dean™ breakfast sausage
1 Tablespoon re-hydrated dried chopped onion ( see regular hamburger recipe for these)
1 Tablespoon minced mild green chilies (canned)
1 Tablespoon diced tomatoes (canned, drain liquid)
4 eggs, beaten to oblivion
salt, pepper
4 8-inch flour tortillas
4 slices REAL American cheese

On the side: Pace® Picante Sauce

COOKING your Breakfast Burrito:

1. Preheat a skillet over medium heat. Crumble the sausage into the pan, then add the onion. Sauté the sausage and onion for 3 to 4 minutes or until the sausage is browned.

2. Add the mild green chilies and tomatoes. Continue to sauté for 1 minute.

3. Pour the beaten eggs into the pan and scramble the eggs with the sausage and vegetables. Add a dash of salt and pepper.

4. Heat up the tortillas by steaming them in the microwave in moist paper towels or a tortilla steamer for 20 to 30 seconds.

5. Break each slice of cheese in half and position two halves end-to-end in the middle of each tortilla.

6. To make the burrito, spoon 1/4 of the egg filling onto the cheese in a tortilla. Fold one side of the tortilla over the filling, then fold up about two inches of one end. Fold over the other
side of the tortilla to complete the burrito (one end should remain open). Serve hot with salsa on the side, if desired. Makes 4 burritos.

7. Drop on the floor, and serve. (more authentic flavor)

McDONALD'S® "OLD-SCHOOL" CHEESEBURGER

Cook the burgers using the regular hamburger recipe and place one THIN slice of american cheese on the crown side before adding meat patty. Don't use Kraft
singles or Velveeta. (or anything termed as "American processed cheese FOOD) Use only real American cheese. That is KEY! Please Note****Most slices of
American cheese are too big for McDonald's® cheeseburgers. So take about 1/4" off two edges to make a smaller square.

McDonald's® Bacon Double-Cheeseburger

Ingredients:
2 prepared beef patties
1 prepared bun
2 American cheese slices
1 slice Oscar Mayer® Ready~Made™ bacon

Prepare the beef patties and buns as directed in the regular hamburger recipe. Dress the bun the same way.

Microwave the pre-cooked bacon for about 15-20 seconds, tear it in half, and lay the pieces side by side on the dressed crown. Follow that with one slice of
cheese. Put cooked beef patty #1 on top of the cheese, add another slice of cheese and then beef patty #2. Add the toasted heel and wrap in a 12"x16" sheet of
waxed paper. (see cooking regular hamburgers for wrapping directions)
Let sit for 5-7 minutes, then microwave (still wrapped) for 15 seconds until hot.

Enjoy a classic bacon double cheeseburger!

McDonald's® Chicken Fajitas

Special Fajita seasoning:

1 tablespoon corn starch
2 teaspoons chili powder
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon paprika
1 teaspoon sugar
3/4 teaspoon crushed chicken bullion cube
1/2 teaspoon onion powder
1/4 teaspoon garlic powder
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1/4 teaspoon cumin

(or if you're LAZY like me, try using McCormick® fajita seasoning----tastes great and is close enough)

Ingredients:

2 large skinless chicken breasts
1/2 cup chopped green bell pepper
1/2 cup diced white onion
2 Tablespoons McDonald's fajita seasoning (see above)
2 Tablespoons water
1/2 teaspoon white vinegar
1/4 teaspoon lime juice, from concentate
2 slices real American cheese
4 8" flour tortillas
cooking oil

COOKING your FAJITAS:

1.Cut the chicken into small strips, none longer than two inches, about 1/4 inch thick.

2. Combine fajita seasoning with water, vinegar, and lime juice in a small bowl.

3. Marinate chicken in above mixture, covered and refrigerated, for a couple of hours.

4. Cook marinated chicken strips in a wok over meduim-hight heat until brown. (retain marinade) Use cooking oil to prevent sticking.

5. Add green pepper and onion, and stir-fry for about 1 minute.

6. Add remaining marinade, stir-fry until liquid "escapes".

7. Spoon 1/4 of the mixture into the center of one flour tortilla and add 1/2 slice American cheese. Sprinkle with a dash of your pre-mixed McDonald's fajita
seasoning. (do this for all four of 'em)

8. Fold like a burrito with one end open and wrap in a 12x12 sheet of wax paper. Let sit 5-7 minutes.

9. Microwave, still wrapped, 15 seconds each. (separately)

10. Drop on the floor for a more authentic taste.

11. Enjoy with Pace® picante sauce on the side.

McDonald's® Chicken McNuggets™

SPECIAL TOOLS: Deep fryer

Ingredients:

vegetable oil (in fryer)
1 egg
1 cup water
2/3 cup all-purpose flour
1/3 cup tempura mix (or 1/3 cup flour for a total of 1 cup if tempura mix is unavailable)
2 teaspoons salt
1 teaspoon onion powder
1/2 teaspoon Accent®
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1/8 teaspoon garlic powder

4 chicken breast filets, each cut into 6-7 bite sized pieces.

Cooking your McNuggets™

1. Beat the egg and then combine it with 1 cup water in a small, shallow bowl. Stir.

2. Combine the flour, salt, Accent®, pepper, onion powder and garlic powder in a one gallon size zip lock bag.

3. Pound each of the breast filets with a mallet until about 1/4-inch thick. Trim each breast filet into bite sized pieces.

4. Coat each piece with the flour mixture by shaking in the zip lock bag.

5. Remove and dredge each nugget in the egg mixture, coating well. Then return each nugget to the flour/seasoning mixture. Shake to coat. Put nuggets, bag and all,
in the freezer for at least an hour. Cover and refrigerate remaining egg mixture.

6. After freezing, repeat the "coating" process.

7. Preheat oven and large cookie sheet to 375°

8. Deep fry the chicken McNuggets™ at 375° for 10-12 minutes or until light brown and crispy. (cook only about 9 at a time.)

9. Drain on paper towels 3-5 minutes.

10. Place deep-fried nuggets on preheated cookie sheet in oven and bake another 5-7 minutes.

11. Serve with your favorite McDonald's dipping sauce.
| Back to the McMenu |

Egg McMuffin®

This is a PER sandwich recipe:

Ingredients:

1 large grade A egg
1 english muffin
butter, REAL butter
1 slice American cheese (real...not processed cheese food)
1 slice Canadian bacon
1 "12x12" sheet of wax paper
Non Stick Cooking Spray

SPECIAL TOOLS:

You need an egg ring. Find one at you're favorite cooking specialty store.

COOKING your Egg McMuffin:

1- Pre-heat an electric griddle to 275 degrees. Toast your english muffin by laying both sides face down on the griddle and applying pressure. This takes about 1 to 1.5 minutes. (they
should be medium brown) Set aside.

2- Lay your egg ring on the pre-heated grill. Spray with Pam to prevent sticking. Crack the egg and pour into egg ring on the grill. Poke the yolk with a sharp instrument so it flows.

3- Butter both toasted halves of the english muffin liberally with melted butter. Put a slice of American cheese on the bottom half.

4- About 2 1/2 minutes after you started cooking the egg, the whites should firm up, and the yolk should still be a bit "liquidy". Carefully remove the ring, leaving the egg on the griddle.
(you may have to "slice" around the edges if it sticks)

5- Very carefully turn the egg over, and lay one slice of Canadian bacon on the griddle.

6- After about 30-45 seconds, "flip" the Canadian bacon, and remove the egg, placing it on the bottom half (cheesed half) of the english muffin.

7- Put the Canadian bacon on top, and cover with the top of the english muffin.

8- Wrap in pre-cut wax paper just like the hambugrer recipes. Let stand 5 minutes, then microwave 12 second on high, and eat.
*********************************************************

Filet~O-Fish®

You'll need a DEEP-FRYER for this one. (this is a per-serving recipe. Multiply everything by each serving needed.) Fish patty can also be baked per package directions.

1 Van de Camps frozen breaded whitefish patty*
1 small, regular hamburger bun
1 Tablespoon prepared tartar sauce
1/2 slice real American cheese
dash salt
1 12"x12" sheet of waxed paper (to wrap)

**use any square whitefish patty not extra crisp, like Mrs. Pauls, or even the store brand.

(as with the burgers, pre-heat your oven to warm. This is your warming "bin".)

Pre-heat you fryer to 375-400 degrees. After its ready, cook fish 3-5 minutes until done.(do NOT thaw first.) Remove and add a dash of salt.

In the old days, the bun was quick warmed using a steamer. We'll use the microwave. Microwave the bun about 10 seconds, until hot and steamy. (Do NOT toast the bun) Add about 1
Tablespoon of prepared tartar sauce to crown side of the bun. Place the cooked fish filet on top, add 1/2 slice american cheese centered on the fish, and add heel of the bun. Wrap in a
12"x12" sheet of waxed paper and warm in oven's lowest setting for 8-10 minutes. Dig into a fabulous Filet~0-Fish!

****************ONCE AGAIN**************** An alternate "Q-ing" method would be to wrap the sandwich tightly in wax paper, let sit for 5 minutes, and microwave on high
for 15 seconds (while still wrapped.) In fact, you can use this method on ALL of the burger recipes on this site, with the exception of the McD.L.T. ("Q-ing" was a McDonald's term for
helping the flavors to meld via mechanical means; ie heatlamp or microwave.)

McDonald's® Famous French Fries

Special Tools

Deep fryer
French Fry Cutter
(or patience for cutting potatoes)

Ingredients:

2 large Idaho russett potatoes
1/4 cup sugar
2 Tablespoons corn syrup
1½-2 cups hot water
6 cups Crisco® shortening
1/4 cup beef lard (or save the fat from previously cooked burgers)
salt

Preparing your french fries

Peel the potatoes. In a large mixing bowl, combine sugar, corn syrup, and hot water. Make sure the sugar is dissolved. Using a french fry slicer, cut the peeled
potatoes into shoestrings. The potatoes should be 1/4" x 1/4" in thickness, and about 4" to 6" long. (You can do this with a knife, but it is alot of work)

Place the shoestringed potatoes into the bowl of sugar-water, and refrigerate. Let them soak about 30 minutes.

While they're soaking, pack the shortening into the deep fryer. Crank up the temperature to "full". The shortening has to pre-heat for a very long time. It will
eventually liquify. After it has liquified and is at least 375°, drain the potatoes and dump them into the fryer. (be careful, it will be ferocious)

After 1 to 1½ minutes, remove the potatoes and place them on a paper towel lined plate. Let them cool 8 to 10 minutes in the refrigerator.

While they're cooling, add the lard or beef drippings to the hot Crisco®. Again, crank the temperature to full. Stir in the lard as it melts into the oil. It will blend in.

After the deep fryer is reheated to 375°-400°, add the potatoes and deep fry again. This time for 5-7 minutes until golden brown. Remove and place in a large bowl.

Sprinkle generously with salt, then "toss" the fries to mix the salt evenly. ( I suggest about 1 teaspoon of salt, maybe slightly more)

Serve hot, serve immediately, and enjoy! Depending upon the size of the potatoes, this recipe make about 2 medium sized fries.

Special Notes

Note¹***** If you want more fries, double the recipe---but DON'T double the cooking oil. Just cook them in shifts, adding about 1/4 cup more Crisco® and 1
tablespoon lard for the second batch.

Note²***** If cooking for a minute or so, removing, and returning the fries to the oil seems like a pain in the ass, that's because it is. But it is an important
"blanching" step required for that great taste.

Note³***** For an easier clone of McDonald's french fries, you can use the frozen, pre-cut Ore-Ida® shoestring potatoes. Just cook them in the same combo of
Crisco® and lard, skipping the "blanching" process. Cook them while still frozen for 6-10 minutes (depending upon the amount) until golden brown. They're good,
but not nearly as accurate in taste and texture as the fresh recipe.

[ Back to McMenu ]

THE REGULAR HAMBURGER

The McDonald's® regular hamburger is the one that got it all started in 1948. It's as basic as can be...yet the ones they serve today don't even taste CLOSE! Make em exactly as I
instruct, and you can enjoy that long-lost flavor once again.

(In the mid 80's, McDonald's® began cooking both sides of the meat at the same time, This was to cut cooking time in half. But it also forever changed the flavor of the orginal
hamburgers---ALL of them!)

Ray Kroc discovered the McDonald brother's San Bernardino, Cal. restaurant in 1954 while selling mutli-mixers. (shake machines) He was so
impressed with their methods, he struck up a franchise deal, and in 1955 opened his first store in De Plaines Illinois. Oh, and he went on to earn
multi-millions.
(FYI.... In 1952, two years BEFORE Ray Kroc stumbled upon McDonald's, Burger King's founder Keith Cramer got his idea for a burger "joint"
after visiting with the legendary McDonald bros.) For a more detailed history, visit the McDonald's® Story page.

"Ten Regs please"..."Ten Regs, thankyou"
(An old production call for ten burgers)

McDonalds® regular Hamburger ingedients:

1 -Pound ground chuck (80% lean)
10 -Small hamburger buns
10 -Hamburger dill slices
10 -teaspoons dried, chopped onion
McDonald's® Hamburger Seasoning
Mustard, Ketchup ....and ..... waxed paper
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Hamburger Seasoning:
4 Tablespoons salt
2 Tablespoons Accent (msg)
1 teaspoon ground black pepper
1/4 teaspoon onion powder

Mix all ingredients well in a spice shaker with big
enough holes to allow pepper to flow. Makes about 3 ounces. Use on ALL McDonald's hamburgers. (unless you're allergic to msg, then just use
salt and pepper.)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Beef Patties:
Divide 1 lb of beef into 10 equal sized balls. Form a patty out of each ball about 4 inches in diameter and 1/4 inch thick. Do this on waxed paper.
Now freeze the patties for at least an hour. (this keeps them from falling apart when you grill 'em)
Obviously you'll do this in advance of "burger time". It is pretty tough to make patties this small, so if you come up with 9 patties, I'll forgive you.

For PERFECT McDonald's® Hamburger Patties click [ HERE! ]

The Onions:
Put the dried onions in a container, oh..like Tupperware...and add water. Water should be a few inches over the top of the onions. (better to have too
much water than not enough) Cover, and refrigerate about 1/2 hour. Drain the liquid, and BAM...you have McDonald's little baby onions.
Cover again and refrigerate until 'burger time".

The Pickles:
McDonald's® pickle slices are unique in flavor, very sour dills. The only product I know of that comes close to the distinctive flavor is HEINZ
Genuine Dills. (original sour dill.) But they don't come in slices, so slice your own VERY thin. I can't do it very well with a knife, so I use a K-tel
"dial-a-slice" home vegetable slicer. ALSO....Vlasic "original" dills have that tart flavor. Make sure they're not "kosher" dills. Wal-Mart®
carries Vlasic ORIGINAL dills, and you have to slice those too. (****note, these pickles are pretty small, so slice at an angle....you'll get bigger dill
chips.) USE THESE PICKLES ON ALL McDONALD'S® HAMBURGERS!

The Buns:
Use the small, plain cheapo store brand hamburger buns. You know, they come 8 or 12 in a pack. Usually about 59 to 69 cents for a pack of 8.
(You'll want to separate the tops, or "crowns" from the bottoms, or "heels"...as most likely they'll be connected slightly on one edge.) When it's
"burger time", you'll be toasting the buns. Those instructions are coming up.
WalMart® sells a great product for regular buns---Great Value™ brand "jumbo" hamburger buns. They're almost exactly like McDonald's® buns
and a little bigger than the other hamburger buns available at your supermarket.

ONE MORE THING: Before you cook these marvelous hamburgers, pre-cut 10 12"x12" sheets of waxed paper. You'll need them to wrap the
burgers.

Cooking your Hamburgers!

Pre-heat your oven to warm..its lowest level, this is for later.You're going to need two electric griddles . One to grill the meat, the other to toast the
buns. Pre-heat the meat griddle to 375-400°, and the bun griddle to about 350°.
(this recipe has you cooking four at a time)
***note***before starting, make sure to have all of your condiments READY! (because this all happens very fast)

#1 -Toast the crowns of 4 buns (tops) Do this by laying them face down on the griddle closely together. Put a dutch oven (pot) bottom side down directly
on top of the buns.(open side facing up) This is only to apply hands-free pressure to the buns so they will toast evenly. (Don't use anything TOO heavy
like cast iron. You'll smash the buns.)

#2 -Lay the frozen patties on the other grill. After about 20 seconds, "sear" them by applying even pressure with the back of a metal spatula, and
pushing down on the front with your free hand. (careful not to burn your fingers.) Do this only for about 2 seconds...you should hear them sizzle louder
while you "sear" them. After searing them, sprinkle generously with McDonald's burger seasoning.

#3 -At this point, your buns are nearly done. They will have an even tan color when finished. Remove them, and repeat the the "bun toasting" process
with the heels. (bottoms)

#4 -After about one minute since searing the patties, turn them over. Careful, don't tear the side you seared. Add another dash of Seasoning and about a
teaspoon of your prepared onions. (Don't be anal and use a measuring spoon...no time...just two fingers and a thumb full.)

#5 -Now quickly dress your buns. (crown, or top side) Mustard first....five "kisses" the diameter of a pencil evenly spaced in a circle about a half inch
from the edge.
Then the Ketchup, (use Hunt's if you can) five squirts the size of a nickle..in the pattern found on dice. Place the pickle in the middle.

#6 -By the time you finish that, the meat will be done. (about 1 minute or 1:10 after turning) Remove the meat and tilt to the side to allow excess fat to
drain off. Use your free hand to hold down the onions. Place patties onion side up on the dressed crown, top with toasted heels. (the burger will be
upside-down)

#7 -Lay one finished hamburger, still upside-down, in the center of your pre-cut waxed paper. Wrap the paper around the burger tightly. It should
resemble a very oblong tube with two open ends, and the burger in the middle. Then wrap the open ends underneath the bottom of the burger so it is
enclosed tightly.

#8 -Place wrapped hamburger in your pre-heated oven. (remember...oven is just barely on warm) Keep 'em in there about 8-10 minutes.**** Hey!
That's enough time to cook another batch. (if you do cook another batch while these are "aging properly", scrape the black stuff and burnt onions to
the side before beginning.)

****PLEASE NOTE! Some ovens get too hot even on low, and this may dry out your burger. If they seem dry, next time wrap them tightly and let them
sit about 5 minutes. Then ZAP 'em for 15 seconds (one at a time) in the microwave. This will complete the "Q-ing" process without over microwaving
them like they do now. In fact, they almost taste better this way.

#9 -ENJOY!! This is how they used to be. This is how they were MEANT to be.
(You might consider toasting your buns first, at least the crowns, to give you extra time to dress them.)
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

McChicken® Ingredients

SPECIAL TOOLS: Deep fryer; meat mallet

INGREDIENTS:

vegetable oil (in fryer)
1 egg
1 cup water
2/3 cup all-purpose flour
1/3 cup tempura mix
(or 1/3 cup flour for a total of 1 cup if tempura mix is unavailable)
2 teaspoons salt
1 teaspoon onion powder
1/2 teaspoon Accent®
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1/8 teaspoon garlic powder
4 chicken breast filets
4 sesame seed hamburger buns
1 cup chopped iceberg lettuce

McChicken® sauce:

1/4 cup mayonnaise
1/16 teaspoon onion powder
Stir together well, refrigerate until needed.

Preparing your McChicken® Sandwich

1. Beat the egg and then combine it with 1 cup water in a small, shallow bowl. Stir.

2. Combine the flour, salt, pepper, Accent®, onion powder and garlic powder in a one gallon size zip lock bag.

3. Pound each of the breast filets with a mallet until about 1/4-inch thick. Trim each breast filet until it is round.

4. Coat each filet with the flour mixture by shaking in the zip lock bag.

5. Remove and dredge each filet in the egg mixture, coating well. Then return each filet to the flour/seasoning mixture. Shake to coat. Put filets, bag and all, in the freezer for at least an
hour. Cover and refrigerate remaining egg mixture.

6. After freezing, repeat the "coating" process.

7. Deep fry the chicken filets at 375° for 10-12 minutes or until light brown and crispy.

8. As the chicken is frying, toast the buns using the standard method described in cooking regular hamburgers.

9. On the crown side of the bun, apply 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise mixture, followed by 1/4 cup chopped iceberg lettuce. Then top with the cooked chicken patty, and the heel of the
bun.

10. Wrap tightly in a 12x16 piece of waxed paper, and let stand 6-8 minutes.

11. Microwave on high, individually, for 15 seconds and serve.

Personal suggestion: CHEESE IT! With real American cheese, one slice, between the patty and the heel.

McD.L.T.®

INGREDIENTS:

1 -TOPPS 1/4 lb frozen beef patty, or alternative*
1 -sesame seed bun
1 -slice real American cheese
1/4 -cup chopped iceberg lettuce
1 -fresh tomato slice (2 if small)
1 -tablespoon fresh chopped white onion
3 -dill pickle slices
McDonald's Hamburger Seasoning
Ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise

Pre-heat an electric griddle to 400 degrees, and toast both halves of the bun face down on the griddle. It should toast quickly and will have an even light-brown color when done. After
toasting, set the toasted bun aside. On the same grill surface, cook the beef patty the same way as a Quarter-Pounder® (see cooking instructions for the Quarter Pounder®.)

DRESS YOUR BUN: On the crown half, apply mustard, ketchup, and onions as described in the Quarter-Pounder™ recipe. Then add 3 pickle slices, the lettuce, followed by 1 tablespoon
of mayonnaise. Top that with the tomato, then the slice of cheese. (This can be done, and should be done 10-15 minutes before the beef is cooked.) Place in the refrigerator. When the
beef is done, put it on the heel side of the bun. Then get the dressed crown side out of the fridge, slap the two together, and WACK! A no longer available McD.L.T™!

McDonald's® McRib™ Sandwich

Ingredients:

1 JTM® Brand "Grillin' Ribs" pork patty
1 6 inch long sandwich bun
2 Tablespoons McDonald's® Barbecue sauce (see recipe under McNuggets®)
1 Tablespoon chopped white onion
3 sour dill pickle slices

Note** J-T-M™ is the only brand of these pressed and formed pork patties that I've seen. They are shaped like a rack of ribs, just like at McDonald's®. I get
them at Wal-Mart®. Look for them in the frozen meat section, near the pre-formed hamburger patties.

Cooking Your McRib®

1. Preheat your griddle to 400°. Cook the pork patty just like a quarter pound beef patty. (consult the package directions for cooking times and other cooking
options)
2. Toast the faces of both halves of the bun, using the bun toasting method described throughout this site.
3. On the toasted crown (top) half, apply the ready mixed barbecue sauce and follow that with the dill pickle slices, spread out evenly.
4. Put the cooked "rib" patty on next, then add the onions, followed by the heel. (bottom)
5. Wrap this masterpiece in a 12x16 sheet of waxed paper, let sit 5 minutes, then microwave on high about 15 seconds, still wrapped.
6. Enjoy a wonderful McRib® Sandwich!

Important Notes:

This is how we did it "back then". However, back then we also just used Bullseye® brand barbecue sauce. (original flavor) You might consider this option.

Also---this having never been an "official" McDonald's® sandwich, different franchise operators may have prepared it a little differently. Like putting the onions on
the crown side, or not putting pickles on it. Maybe they put sauce on both sides....etc...etc...Just customize it to the way YOU remember it.
[ Back to the McMenu ]

McDonald's® ORIGINAL Milkshakes!

The milkshakes were changed in the early 80's to reduce the fat content and calories. These McDonald's shakes are how they tasted from the 50's
through the 70's. Back then the straw would sometimes collapse because the shakes were so thick. ENJOY!

McDonald's Milkshakes

SPECIAL TOOLS:
I suggest getting an Hamilton Beach DRINK-MASTER. It is a consumer version of the multi-mixer's Ray Kroc used to sell to the McDonald brothers.
(or... a blender works O.K.)

Vanilla Shake
2 cups vanilla ice cream
1 cup whole milk
1/4 cup half & half
3 tablespoons sugar
1/8 teaspoon vanilla extract

Chocolate Shake
2 cups vanilla ice cream
1 cup whole milk
1/4 cup half & half
2½ tablespoons chocolate flavor Nestle Quik Powder

Strawberry Shake
2 cups vanilla ice cream
1 cup whole milk
1/4 cup half & half
3 tablespoons strawberry flavor Nestle Quik Powder

Shamrock™ Shake
2 cups vanilla ice cream
1 cup milk
1/4 cup half and half
1/4 teaspoon MINT extract (not peppermint)
8 drops green food coloring

1. Combine half of the ingredients for the shake flavor of your choice in a the silver cup that comes in the DRINKMASTER, and mix on high speed until
smooth. Pour into a cup. Repeat for shake #2. Or use a blender and mix all ingredients on high speed until smooth. Stop blender, stir and blend again, if
necessary to combine ingredients.

2. Pour into two 12-ounce cups.
Serves 2.

Quarter Pounder® INGREDIENTS:

INGREDIENTS:

1 -Topp's 1/4 lb frozen beef patty
1 -sesame seed bun
1 -Tablespoon fresh onion...diced
mustard, ketchup
2 -HEINZ hamburger slices (pickles)
2 -slices real American cheese (optional)
McDonald's Hamburger Seasoning

BEEF PATTY ALTERNATIVE: If you can't find Topps™ 1/4 pound patties, use one pound ground chuck, divide into 4 equal pieces, and form the patties about 5" diameter and 1/4"
thick. Do this on wax paper, and freeze until needed.

Cooking your Quarter Pounder™

Pre-heat an electric grill to 400 degrees. (If cooking more than one...also pre-heat an electric grill for toasting the sesame seed buns)Lay the beef frozen patty on the grill, and after about
20 seconds, "sear" it. Sear a little harder and a little longer than with regular hamburgers.You should apply heavy pressure for 6-8 seconds. Sprinkle liberally with McD's Hamburger
Seasoning.(see regular burgers to make that) About 2½-3 minutes after searing, turn. Be careful not to tear the sear you just created. Add another dash Seasoning. Lay the crown of the
bun facedown on an unused, clean portion of the grill. It will toast very quickly, so move it around in a circular motion to prevent burning. After about 30 seconds the bun will be toasted
enough. Remove to dress, and lay the heel facedown to the same spot on the grill. (If cooking more than one, follow the bun toasting instructions for the regular hamburger.)

DRESSING THE BUN: Put five "kisses" of mustard around the toasted crown about 1/2 inch from the edge, equally spaced. Then put five squirts of ketchup in the pattern of a five on
dice and the size of a nickle on the toasted bun. (Make the center one the size of a quarter.) Add about a tablespoon of freshly chopped white onion, and the two pickle slices, evenly
spaced.

If you're making a Quarter-Pounder with Cheese™, lay one slice of real American cheese on top of the condiments.Most cheese slices are slightly too big, so cut or tear off about 1/4
inch, making a slight rectangle.

By now...your meat should be done. (about 2½-3 more minutes after turning) Smash the beef patty with the spatula to "squeeze" out excess fat, then remove. Smash it again between the
spatula and your free hand to addtionally drain the fat. Lay it on top of your dressed crown and add the toasted heel. (If you're making a Quarter-Pounder with Cheese™, lay another slice
of real American cheese on top of the patty before adding the heel. Position the corners off alignment with the other cheese slice)

Wrap it in a pre-cut 12x12 sheet of waxed paper and either microwave it for 15 seconds, or allow it to be "warmed" in your pre-heated (lowest setting) oven for 8-10 minutes. (or use the
alternate "Q-ing" method) ENJOY!!!

Top Secret Recipes version of McDonald's Sweet & Sour Dipping Sauce by Todd Wilbur

This is a clone of one of the sauces that you can get with your order of McNuggets at the world's largest hamburger outlet. Now, instead of hoarding those little green packs from the fast food chain, you can make up a batch of your own to use as a dip for store-bought nuggets, chicken fingers, fried shrimp, tempura or as a sauce for a sweet and sour dish that includes pineapple, bell pepper, onion, and sautéed chicken or pork. It's a simple recipe that requires a food processor or a blender, and the sauce will keep well for some time in the fridge.
1/4 cup peach preserves
1/4 cup apricot preserves
2 tablespoons light corn syrup
5 teaspoons white vinegar
1 1/2 teaspoons corn starch
1/2 teaspoon soy sauce
1/2 teaspoon yellow mustard
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon garlic powder
2 tablespoons water
1. Combine all ingredients except the water in a food processor or a blender and puree until the mixture is smooth.
2. Pour mixture into a small saucepan over medium heat. Add water, stir, and bring mixture to a boil. Allow it to boil for five minutes, stirring often. When the sauce has thickened, remove it from the heat and let it cool. Store sauce in a covered container in the refrigerator.
Makes about 3/4 cup.

Letters to staff

admin — Mon, 12 May 2008 03:06:34 +0000

Dear Staff

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and
Therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If
You are able to go to the doctor,you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you
Need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: January 1 & December 25

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future,
We will follow the practice of going in alphabetical Order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20,
Employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
Needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
The Management.

Misc Random Jokes

admin — Mon, 12 May 2008 03:05:35 +0000

===whats the differance between a woman and a police radar trap ??

with a woman you can see the c*nt behind the bush

===If you really need to make yourself throw up, try sticking
one finger down your throat and another up your ass at the
same time.

If that doesn't work, try switching fingers!

===A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years
with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's
referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor.
The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.

"I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife
across my scalp and ..."

He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing
right behind the left ear."

"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you
know. But I myself suffered from the same type of headache
for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp
muscles. This is how I cured it: Everyday I would give my
wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs
together with all her strength and the pressure would
relieve the tension in my head. Try that everyday for
two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes".

Two weeks go by and the man comes back and says, "Well,
how do you feel?"

"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache
since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough.
And by the way... you have a lovely home."

===Q: What do you call 7 white men pushing a car up a hill?
A: White Power.

Q: What do you call 7 black men pushing a car up a hill?
A: Black Power.

Q: What do you call 7 Mexicans pushing a car up a hill?
A: Grand Theft Auto!

===An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the
moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman over-
board. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so
the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise
that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from
the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your
wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to
the deck, and attached to her rump was an oyster, and in it
was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the
trap!"

====A man walks into a public bathroom and begins using one of the urinals. He looks to his left and sees a very short man peeing also. Suddenly, the short man looks up at the taller man, and the taller man is completely embarrassed about staring at the smaller man's penis.

"Sorry," says the taller man."I'm not gay or anything, but you have the longest penis I've ever seen, especially on a man so small!"

"Well," says the Leprechaun, "That's because I'm a Leprechaun! ALL Leprechauns have penises this size!" The taller man says, "Incredible! I'd give anything if mine were that long."

"Well, what with me being a Leprechaun and all, I can give you your wish! If you let me take you into that stall over there and screw you, I'll give you your wish!"

"Gee," says the man, "I don't know about that----aw hell with it, OK!"

Soon, the Leprechaun is behind the taller man, just humping away.

"Say," says the Leprechaun, "How old are you, son?"

Finding it difficult to turn with the Leprechaun humping him so ferociously, the tall man says over his shoulder, "Uh-Uh, Thirty-two..."

"Imaging that, " says the little man, "Thirty-two and still believes in Leprechauns!"